Strawberry Avocado Smiley Face

Ingrediants:

4 avocados
3 Cups of strawberries
1 1/2 lb crab meat
1 English cucumber
Juice of 2 limes (4 Tbls)
4 tbls olive oil

Cut and quarter everything on a cutting board.
Everything except the imitation crab that you probably are using, you cheap bastards.

Salt and pepper to taste.

Discard all ingrediants in a trashcan.



Serve immediately

Butter Toast Bread

Alright ya'll. I'm hungover as hell right now but I'm back with another Sin City Delight. You've probably never tried Butter Toast-Bread before and you should be ashamed. Punch yourself in the face. This shit is awesome and its worldwide cisine basically. Its probably not healthy whatsoever and most certainly not vegan friendly.

As a matter of fact I just looked at the nutrition facts on my can of butter... 1 tablespoon is 11% of my daliy fat value. And I probably used about 3. So there you go folks. Bam. I probably dont have to eat for the rest of the day. I looked all over my loaf of bread but they didnt put any health facts on it, so I'm going to assume that its covering the rest of my 67% daily fat. Cool.

Ok.

This recipe is the fuckin dogs bollocks. Get ready.




Take a loaf of bread. Pre-sliced or not, doesn't matter. A french baguette does add a certain level of complexity though. Keep that in mind when entertaining guests. Also, cut out little eye holes for kids to put on their faces. They're idiots, they love that shit.

Ovenize the bread slices in your toasting device. I've chosen a toaster for this project. Some may prefer fireplaces or hot bricks.

Yes sir. Pure unadulterated butter out of a plastic jar. Smother your ovenized breads in this. I used a pure unadulterated butter knife here, but using the butter cup as a dipping mechanism for your breads is an excellent idea and healthy too. (Refer to the health facts at the beginning)

The finished product.
I ran out of plates so I ended up using a bowl. I also did not take a picture of that because thats ridiculous.



However,
This is a picture of a bird.

Sin City Fritos

I'm pretty much a genius for this recipe. I didn't invent it, but I did give it a better name than its ever had. Sin City Fritos. It sounds sorta naughty, but also corn chippish. I named it this because I live in Las Vegas and I came home this past (or is it passed?) weekend from a grueling night on the strip hungry and hungover as a motherfucker. It takes about 13 seconds to make this shit, so I did.

Peep it.

Fritos. Crazy right?

Can of chili. Vegetarian or meat eater versions will do.

Sideways cheese. I almost always use sideways cheese.


Sour cream.


Now make a bed of Fritos. Dump that can of chili on top of the comfortable frito bed. Then cover up the chili with a cheese blanket so it doesn't get cold. And since chili gets scared of the dark, we're going to turn on the microwave for a night light. Do it for like 2 minutes or something. Now stand your ass in front of the microwave until it gets good and cooked.


Nom Nom Nom. You could eat it like this, but it wouldn't be Sin City Frito without the climax.



Sour cream to taste!


Hey look, I added green stuff and now its gourmet!

Veggie Burritos

Here we will be making my favorite dish to take and leave in a fridge at work or at the hizzy. I eat them for lunch, I eat them when I'm bored, and I also eat them when some dumb bastard says he is hungry and doesn't have any food. Muwhahhah! This recipe produces a shit load of burritos. Usually anywhere from 15 to 18. You freezer will be bursting at the seams by the end of this. It usually takes about 15 minutes to make them and considering the vast amount of food it's pretty cheap.

2 16 oz cans of Black beans
1 16 oz can of Pinto beans
1 10 oz can of diced tomatoes
1 4 oz can of diced green chilies
1 14 oz can of corn
3 teaspoon (thats the little one) Chili powder
3 teaspoon (little one) Cumin
3 teaspoon (little again) Oregano
2 packages of 10" tortillas (about 20 total)
1 cup uncooked brown rice
1 lb shredded cheese of your choice (I used mozzarella this time)
and some plastic wrap for freezing your burritos

Cascade dish detergent and other assorted items pictured are optional

Start by draining and rinsing all your beans and corn as seen below.

Dirty black beans


Clean black beans

After you rinse your beans and corn, throw them in a mixing bowl and... Wait a minute...

FUUUUCCCCKKKK!!

My mixing bowl is still dirty@!#$ Guess i'll have to put it in the washer and.... wait a minute...

FUUUUUCCCCKKKK!

The dishwasher is full@!#$



-----Fast-Forward-----

Ok, the dishes are clean and now I have all 3 cans of beans drained and rinsed as well as the corns.

Now take that pound of shredded cheese and sprinkle a small amount into the mixture...


Nah just kidding, dump that shit in there

Now lets get our spices in there. Put all 3 teaspoons of everything right on top there. My cumin and chili powder was almost empty so i just put the whole bottle in there. The oregano is holding true at 3 teaspoons however.

Ok now pour the cooked rice in there.... wit a minute...
FUUUUCCCCKKKK!!

We forgot to cook the rice.
Quickly cook your rice in ten minutes immediately.

Ok, we have the rice added. Mix it up now. I'm not a culinary professional by any means, but I've heard people say "Don't mix too much." So don't do that.



You should come out with something like this. Now get ready because if this is your first time rolling a burrito you will fail. It will be loose and floppy and disgusting and horrible. You will want to hit yourself with the burrito probably, but it will be too weak and floppy.



Get your tortillas, then spoon out about a cup of the mixture and put it towards the bottom of the tortilla. It might look like a lot but, we're not making fucking cupcakes here. So trust me. She'll hold captain. She'll hold.


Now fold both sides to the middle and the roll from the bottom to the top. You'll have to tuck in the sides again when you get about halfway, otherwise shit will start falling out the sides and you'll be devastated as I mentioned before. I think tucking in the sides is truly the key to rolling a burrito. That and rolling it tight. Tight and tucked.

1 down....

10 down...

look!

burritos just a'bustin out!

This batch made 18 burritos using 1 cup of filling per burrito (I actually measured). The burritos are better after they've been frozen and heated, and a fully frozen burrito tastes badass after about 2 or 3 mins in the microwave. If one isn't filling enough, then eat two. There's 18 of them for gods sake.

The recipe usually takes 15 to 20 minutes, but today's fiasco took about 2 hours. I've used any combination of black, pinto, and red kidney beans. I've also used various shredded cheeses and no cheese at all. I suggest cheese. I've always used oregano, chili powder, and cumin. I've dabbled with different amounts, but to be honest, the more the better. I tried cilantro and wasn't too impressed. I've frozen them for up to 2 weeks and they come out perfect every time.

fresh cut fries

Today we turned some bland potatoes into a batch of excellent fries. Only takes a few minutes of cutting and a few minutes of frying.

What you need:

potatoes (we used two large potatoes)

a knife

a potato peeler (if you so desire)

a cutting surface

oil (around 400 degrees)

Begin by heating your oil, while you proceed with undressing your potatoes.Now that your potatoes are naked it is time to begin to make potato flanks.Now that we are all flanked and planked out it is time to cut the fries. A good way to do this is to steak a small knife or a tiny pole into the flanks.
Then slice to the thickness that pleases you most. We cut rather thin fries on this batch.
After you have all the fries cut you are ready to fry. If you are not frying the fries immediately let them soak in water, so they won't turn an odd color.
Try to pat the fries dry as much as you can before frying as to avoid oil splashing and what not.

Load the fries up.
Commence the frying. Thin fries tend to be done before they start to turn brown; however, thicker cut fries tend to brown more.
When you deem them complete. Remove and let them cool out and relax on a few paper towels. This helps to rid some of the excess oil.
Now its time to plate them with your main dish or eat them by their lonesome if that was your intention. In our case we paired the fries up with a few in house battered corn dogs.
And there you have it. Fresh cut fries.

Corn Dogs

We are going to be making corndogs today. It's a delicacy of the frozen food section, but they are better and cheaper to make at home, and it gives you the opportunity to learn how to make a basic cornmeal based batter.

EDIBLE ROLLCALL



Vegetable Oil (for deep fryer)
1/2 cup All-Purpose Flour (for flouring hot dogs)
2/3 cup Cornmeal
1/3 cup All-Purpose Flour
1 teaspoon Salt
1/2 cup Milk
1 Egg
2 tablespoons Vegetable Oil
10 Hot Dogs
10 Wooden Poking Sticks (found in the crafts section of wal-mart)

Heat that deep fryer to Fahrenheit 375 (76 degrees less than book burning temperature)

Place Cornmeal, 1/3 cup Flour and Salt into a mixing bowl

Whisk these dry ingredients together (we use two strategically arranged forks in lieu of a whisk)

Pre-Whisk


Post-Whisk


Beat an egg. Beat it long, beat it hard.

Add the beaten egg, 2 tablespoons Vegetable Oil and the Milk into the dry ingredients.



Whisk that shit again until it gets nice and thick like grits.



Now you have invented batter. Profligate it.

Next, we sodomize the hot dogs.

Innocent Hotdogs


Sodomite Hotdogs



Pour a half cup of flour out on a baking tray.



Roll the sodomized hot dogs over the flour until they obtain sufficient wintry camouflage.



Batter Dip your corndogs. We used the "Hot Dog Down a Hallway" method, but it may be easier to pour the batter out onto a flat surface.



It's frying time. Be careful to space your corn dogs out better than this.



Throw the raw dogs into your fryer for about three minutes.



If you space your corn dogs haphazardly, they will look like this.



But if you place them hazardly, they will look perfect, as such.



Place carefully on your plate with a delicious side.



Consume.



I suggest making these in bulk, so they can be frozen and consumed at multiple times. This recipe makes ten Corn Dogs, and it costs about $3.00.

corndawgs + me = pipe time